Don't wait for validation; validate yourself!

Do you crave external validation?

Nothing wrong with that, we all want to be loved. But if you rely on external validation to do the thing. to make the changes you know you need to make, you'll always remain stuck in lethargy.

Why?

Because reliance on external validation will either drive you towards what you think you should want (to get the validation); or pull you away from what you do want (to avoid losing validation).

In this episode, I share

why relying on external validation is incompatible with living a lit life;

how the desire for external validation kept me in my BigLaw career; and

what you need to do to keep moving towards the life you want without that validation.

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Transcript

Ryan Spence: 0:00

Not everyone needs to understand the reasons you're making the changes that you're making. They just don't need to. The only person who needs to understand is you. The only person that needs to validate what it is that you're doing, is you. It's great if other people come along and give you the support. But if you're waiting for that, to get started to instigate that change, it will never happen.

Rafa: 0:32

You're listening to, The Triple C Project

Ryan Spence: 0:40

Welcome to The Triple C Project, the podcast that helps you gain clarity, boost confidence, and build courage, so you can live life lit! I'm your host, Ryan Spence, aka the BigLaw dropout, life coach, author, speaker, lover of hoodies, hip hop, and big, hairy, audacious goals. If you're tired of living the life you should want, and ready to start living the life you do want. This podcast will help you get from where you are, to where you really wanna be. So now we're friends, I invite you to grab a drink. Take a seat, and allow me to guide you towards living, a life that's lit!. Hello, welcome to episode 14 of The Triple C Project. I've got a bit of cold today. So bear with me as I struggle through this episode. But you know, I gotta show up for you guys. That's what I love to do. That's what I'm here for. So it's cool, I'm alive, I can keep going. And I want to start by making an announcement and also giving it a really big thank you. So a few hours before I sat down to record this episode, I checked the stats of the my new book, The Triple C Method on Amazon. And it hit number one. Number one best selling author of The

Triple C Method: 2:05

gain clarity, boost confidence, & build courage, so you can live life lit. And it's amazing. And it couldn't have been done without you guys supporting the book, buying the book telling people about the book, leaving your reviews. So I want to give you a big thanks. It's been awesome seeing the reviews come in getting the DMs from people saying what they loved about the book, what they've taken away. And it's been good. Yeah, it's great to get five star reviews. But what's been really amazing and really great for me is just when I read the reviews, and the things that people are taking away the insights that people have got from the book, are exactly the reasons why I wrote the book. And it just means that my work is done. I've done it in the way that I wanted to do it. And it's impacting people in the way I wanted it to impact people. And as quite a few reviews are coming in now I'm going to start sharing a few on the show, because, why not? And hopefully, if you haven't picked up your copy of the book yet, hearing the reviews from from other people explaining what they got from the book, what they liked about the book, will kind of help you make your decision to go and pick up a copy and start applying the insights and concepts in the book into your life. The book's written for lawyers, corporate professionals, people who are feeling stuck in their career in their relationships, in relation to their health in relation to their life. And it's part memoir, telling you how I got from where I was having been in those situations to where I am now. And it's also a toolkit to help you move from a life of lethargy towards living and designing and creating a life that's lit. So first review I'm going to share this week is from Gemma, Gemma Dadourian, who is an actor and a life coach. And the extract I'm going to read from her review is this, Gemma says, this is the book you need if you feel like you're cheating on your dream life by living someone else's ideal life. And I just thought that perfectly summed up exactly what the book is designed to do, and also what I do in the work that I do, because it's about not living the life you think you should, which is the life that other people expect you to live the box that they put you in. But it's about living the life that you want. making those decisions for yourself to live a life that's in alignment with your values that helps you get what it is that you want and make the impact that it is that you want to make on this world of ours. So The Triple C Method is out now. Amazon is a great place to go and pick it up either the paperback or the Kindle, or just go ahead and check out your favourite independent bookseller. The more we can support our independent shops, the better it is for all of us. But if you pick up your copy, I'd love to hear what you think about it, write a review on Amazon. And or send me a DM on Instagram @iam_ryanspence. Cool. So the topic of this week's episode is external validation. And it's funny because one of the things about having out a book is you are checking out the the numbers, and you're trying to kind of see how it's doing, where it's selling, and all that sort of thing. But it's something which you can kind of get quite obsessed with. And I had to kind of check myself and take a step back. And that's kind of an example of external validation. But external validation I'm talking about, it's kind of going back a bit beyond that. Because, look, the thing about external validation is, it's nice, it's warm, it's fuzzy, we all like to be liked. We all like people to think that we're doing a good job to like, what it is that we're doing, to give us that encouragement that support those shout outs to be our cheerleaders, you know, and as much as we say that, we don't care about other people's opinions, there's always a little bit of us that really wants or really likes, when people validate what it is that we do. Part of the reason I ended up in big law was from external validation. Having dropped out of uni, having flunked exams, previously, it was kind of a thing to prove to everybody else that I wasn't there, I wasn't stupid, I was quite capable of being in one of these careers being in one of these quote unquote, big jobs, I just had chosen not to before, and now that I chosen to, I was going to make it happen. And I was going to be, quote, unquote, successful. Being in that big corporate space, being a lawyer, being a big law lawyer, even having that salary, that status. And, you know, this is this is gonna sound the person I am now is just, like, horrified at this. But I know that when I would introduce myself, when people would ask what you do, and I'd say that I was a lawyer. And I'd say that the firm that I worked for, or they'd be something that we'd worked on which it appeared in the press, I would kind of like that look on people's faces of being pretty impressed. I mean, that external validation to the point where I began to sort of crave it. And the craving for that external validation is one of the things that made it difficult to leave when I knew that things weren't going the way that I wanted them to go. What I knew it wasn't the train that I wanted to be on. The craving for external validation kept me on the train. Because I didn't know who I would be. When you get used to telling people what you do to saying you're a lawyer in big law to saying the name of the firm that you work for, to earning the amount of money that you earn, to having the status that you have. You can't fathom who you would be and how you would feel without any of that. So I just kept on seeking that external validation. And I kept hoping that that external validation would keep me on the track that I was on, and keep me heading to where it was that I felt I was supposed to get to. And that's the thing about external validation. It does two things. It leads you towards something that you don't want, or that you're not even sure if you want, because it's what you feel that you should do to get the external validation that you crave that praise that, oh, my god, aren't you so successful? This is fantastic, whether it's from your parents, from your peers, from your colleagues, or whether it's just to prove something to people who thought you would never amount to nothing. And, you know, I've definitely had teachers in my past who has kind of pushed me down past which they thought I was, quote, unquote, better suited to i.e., I wasn't clever enough, or I was from the wrong demographic to be aiming higher, as high as I probably was. But that's a whole other conversation for another day. But the other thing about craving external validation and seeking that validation is that it can pull you away from what it is that you do want. Because you're scared that by going down a different path. You won't get that validation. So that takes us to the second point which is change. When we look to change anything, there will be resistance. And not everyone will get why you're making that change when you start going to the gym because you want to lose weight or get in shape, and you're the person who's normally in the pub after work, having drinks, and suddenly you're not there. There's gonna be some snide remarks and comments kind of like, well, what are you doing? Who do you think you are? When you've been in a particular career for your entire life, when you've worked a particular way, when you're the person who has always got an early and stayed late, and suddenly you want to change that? Because you want to have a life? Maybe you've had a family? Maybe you have a hobby, maybe you just want to go home and watch Netflix and have a fucking break? People are going to question that, but like, what are you doing? On your committed anymore? Do you not want to get promoted? Like, what's up with that. And because not everyone will get it, you're not going to get the level of validation that you probably previously got. Because you're completely going against the norm, you're pushing back against the status quo. You're changing pieces of who you are, to become more of who you really are, to become more aligned with the values that you realise that you have. And the thing is that not everyone needs to get that. Not everyone needs to understand the reasons you're making the changes that you're making. They just don't need to, the only person who needs to understand is you. The only person that needs to validate what it is that you're doing, is you. It's great if other people come along and give you the support. But if you're waiting for that, to get started to instigate that change, it will never happen. And this is why you need a strong foundation before you start to make changes. Before you start to transform your life and move from a life of lethargy, to living a life that's lit. You've got to know why you're doing it. Why is it important? Why do you want to change this aspect? Or these aspects of your life? Why do you want to stop going to bars drinking every night? Because you want to get up early for a gym session in the morning? Why? What is your driving force for that? How is that going to lead you to create the life that you want? What is the vision that you have for yourself that this is going to contribute to? Why are you setting boundaries at work, where now you won't stay till all hours. And you will leave at a particular time on a particular day to go to a yoga class to go and work on your side hustle to go and put your kids to bed? Why are you doing that? You need to be very, very clear as to why that is important. Because you will not get external validation for making those changes, at least not in the beginning. Because people won't necessarily understand them. Because you're changing the fabric of who you are in their eyes. And they won't be able to see what you see what you want for yourself. So you have to know yourself why you want it and be very clear on that you need to have that foundation of clarity, clarity as to who you are clarity as to what you want, and clarity as to why you want it. And here's why. I used to get frustrated post BigLaw sometimes when I would put out content, sharing my message trying to inspire people trying to get people to take action to change things. And no one would engage or nobody would say a word. And I had to work through that. And the thing is what kept me going I could have stopped at that point. And most people will stop because if you're pulling things out, and it feels like it's going into a void. It can become disheartening. You can become despondent and you can think to yourself, what's the point? But the thing is, I had a point, I knew exactly what it was I was trying to do. I knew exactly who I was trying to help exactly the impacts I was trying to make and also the way that I wanted to transform my life and how I wanted to live it the vision that I had for that. And that's what kept me going. So I asked you a question. If you think you want to make changes, but you're consistently seeking that external validation, what's going to happen? When no one engages with the content that you put out? What's going to happen? When someone tells you that you can't do the thing that you're thinking about doing? What are you gonna do when someone laughs at you because you've made a mistake. And you take that to mean that you're destined for failure, and there's no point in carrying on. Because that's where it becomes really important. That's where it really matters. Because to make change, you have to want to make it so deep within your soul, that whether or not you get that external validation is irrelevant. You're doing it because you see a bigger vision for yourself. That's what has to drive you. So look, any adulation, any praise, any support, any cheerleading that you get, by all means, enjoy it, it feels good. I'm look, I'm loving the reviews coming in. For my book, I'm loving the messages that I'm getting from people telling me what they've got from the book. And that never gets old. But to take a step back, if I was waiting for somebody to give me the external validation to write the book, I'd never written the book. Because I'd wait for somebody to tell me, yeah, you should write a book. And this is great, and to keep giving me that support every single step of the way. But I knew what I wanted to do when I was writing a book. I knew the effect and the impact I wanted it to have. I knew who I was writing it for, why I was writing it, and what that book could do. That's why I did it. So when people were saying why are you getting up at 5.30, every morning to write, when people were saying, Why are you spending money on this coach here or this editor here? or the designer here? to kind of get the best possible looking book, the most professional looking book that you can, why are you spending all of this time trying to promote this thing, when you could be spending it, doing something else, just doing a job and getting paid and taking a salary? I was clear in why I had clarity as to why I was doing it. And so when the external validation was not forthcoming, it kind of didn't matter. Because I was still going to do it anyway. And that's why the foundation, no pillars of clarity, confidence, and courage are necessary for you to move from a life of lethargy towards a life that's lit. I hope this episode has got you thinking a little bit differently about your own path. And in your own mind has got you thinking that yes, I will take that next step to start to make that change. I will change that habit that I had, whatever that habit is, and you will get very, very clear as to why that thing needs to change. Because only when you're clear as to why it needs to change. Will you move heaven and earth to make that change? Regardless of what anybody else thinks? That's me for this week. As always, I hope you've taken what you need from this episode. Drop me an email, hey@iamryanspence.com. Let me know one thing that you'll take away from this episode, and maybe share it with a friend someone who you feel needs to hear the message that's being shared this week. And if you need clarity, but in particular if you need a boost of confidence to help you believe that the change you want to make and the vision that you have for your life is possible for you. Head to iamryanspence.com and download my free confidence journal. The journal works. The journal will get you thinking differently about what is possible for you about what you are capable of. And confidence is going to help you. When external validation is not forthcoming, it's going to help you to continue to move forward. So, iamryanspence.com, download the confidence journal, and I will catch you here again for another episode. Thanks for tuning in to The Triple C Project. If you like the show, don't keep it to yourself. Go ahead, tell a friend and tell me too, by leaving a review. To get more tips, tools, strategies to help you get from where you are, to where you really want to be. Head to iamryanspence.com and download my free confidence journal. Don't forget to follow me on Instagram. I'm@iam_ryanspence, and you'll be the first to know about the release of my upcoming book The Triple C Method. But for now, only thing that I have left to say is, stop living a life of lethargy and start living life lit!