Where's The Evidence?

How many times have you told yourself you can't do something?

Or told yourself that the thing you dream of doing isn't possible for you?

If you're anything like I was, many, many times. And in doing so, you've continued to stay stuck and play small.

In this episode, I tell you why these things you tell yourself are fiction. Stories that, like fairytales, have no evidence to support them.

I also share what you can do to reframe your thoughts and stop these fictional stories from holding you back from living life lit! 🔥 

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Transcript

Ryan Spence: 0:00

But what these stories do is they hold us back. And what these stories have in common is that they're all fiction. There's no evidence to support those stories. They're just stories. They're just things that we're telling ourselves, and the things that we tell ourselves that allow us to stay within our zone of comfort, whether or not we want to be that they allow us to stay stuck. You see, reading fiction books can be fun, it can be entertaining, it can be an escapism. But the thing about these negative stories we tell ourselves, these stories of fiction is that they're stifling. They're just not helpful. They stunt our growth, they keep us small. They, they keep you stuck in a place where you don't want to be. And I think probably the worst thing that they do is they just leave you feeling disempowered, like everything is out of your hands. Like everything has been leading up to this point. And at this point is where you will now stay and you have no say in the matter. And, that's an awful place to be.

Rafa: 1:16

You're listening to, The Triple C Project.

Ryan Spence: 1:24

Welcome to The Triple C Project. The podcast that helps you gain clarity, boost confidence, and build courage, so you can live life lit. I'm your host, Ryan Spence, the BigLaw dropout, life coach, author, speaker, lover of hoodies, hip hop, and big hairy, audacious goals. If you're tired of living the life you think you should want, and ready to start living the life you do want. this podcast will help you get from where you are to where you really wanna be. So now we're friends, I invite you to grab a drink, take a seat, and allow me to guide you towards living, a life that's lit! Hey, welcome to episode 21 of The Triple C Project, with me your host Ryan Spence, life coach, author of The Triple C Method gain clarity boost confidence, build courage, so you can live life lit. And the book. The book that I wrote, which came out back in April 2022 is available for preorder as an audiobook. So if you'd like listen to me on the podcast, you can now hear me read you my own word about my own story. In The Triple C Method currently available for preorder Apple books on Chirp if you're in the US and Canada, also Barnes and Noble. And I guess a few more places will be available by the time this episode airs. The book is for anyone who feel stuck where they are, who is at a crossroads in their life or their career and is thinking that there has to be more out there but doesn't know what more looks like. Or is feeling stuck in a rut stuck in that life of lethargy and wants to start to create a life for themselves that's filled with more aliveness with more joy, a life that's lit a life where you have a mission, a reason to get up and get at it every day, but is actionable. And it also comes with a workbook that's free to download, which really will help you focus on the exercises that I talked about in the book, the exercises that have helped me and exercise, they've also helped my clients to get clarity to boost confidence and to build courage. And I'm gonna share a quick review that came in, actually didn't know it came in a couple of weeks ago. And the review is headed amazing, with powerful and applicable wisdom, which is obviously awesome. But it's a short, sweet review. And I really like it because, well, I'll tell you after I've read, the review reads, I love how although I've never been a lawyer, I still resonate a lot with the author's experience. Such an insightful book packed with value. And what I love about the review is that it shows the universality of the book, if that's a word, I probably pronounced that wrong, but I'm gonna roll with it. Because although I wrote the book for myself as a big law lawyer, who was struggling with limiting beliefs, and not really knowing how I could get out of the life that I was in that story, those feelings are universal, whether you're in corporate, whether you're in the tech space, whatever it is, and I know that by the clients that I've coached by the reviews that have come in, so it's really good to hear that view. And so it's kind of interesting to sort of hear what it is that people take away particularly when it's something that I intended them to take away means I'm doing my job. So other views that I've been reading out on episodes of the show, you can go to Amazon, on your local Amazon store and check them out there just to see that they are real, and also read the full reviews, because some of them, I've only read the extracts. And yeah, make your decision. If you haven't got the book yet, why know you're listening to the show, which means that you must dig what's going on what I'm talking about. So you're just gonna get more of that in the book. And you'll also get to download a free workbook that goes along with it, that will help you do the work to help you do the exercises that are in the book that will help you develop the tools, the strategies, the habits to get you from that life of lethargy, to living that life, that slit, that life where you get up, getting after it every day, you have a mission, a purpose, and you feel alive. You just want to feel alive. Okay, so the book is nonfiction. As I said, it's part about my life, my experience, it's got actionable tools in there. But with the stories that I've told myself over the years, the book could just as well have been fiction. You probably know what I'm talking about. How many times have you told yourself stories, stories that start with things like, I can't, it's too late. I just don't have what it takes. When I was in my funk, when I was there, struggling to figure out how I could get out of what I was in. I told myself stories like this all the time, the stories would go something like, I can't believe I've spent too much time too much energy, too much money to be here. What will other people think it's too late to do anything. Now I've been doing this for too long and too senior and to experience, I don't want to start from scratch. Again, I can't start from scratch again. I just don't have what it takes to do the things that other people are doing. I look around at other people who were leaving who had left, either to go into other areas of law that were more aligned with what they wanted to do with their passions, or just to do different things completely. And I would always be happy for them. But I would always think I wish I could do that. But that just isn't for me. Have you told yourself those stories? Pretty sure you have at some point, right? It's it's normal. It's normal, because it's showing self doubt. And that's okay, because that sometimes means that we are looking at something that's beyond our comfort zone. And that's good, right? That stretches us that helps us grow. But what these stories do is they hold us back. And what the stories have in common is that they will fiction. There's no evidence to support those stories. They're just stories. They're just things that we're telling ourselves, and the things that we tell ourselves that allow us to stay within our zone of comfort, whether or not we want to be there. They allow us to stay stuck. You see, reading fiction books can be fun, it can be entertaining, it can be an escapism. But the thing about these negative stories we tell ourselves these stories of fiction is that they're stifling. They're just not helpful. They stunt our growth, they keep us small, they they keep you stuck in a place where you don't want to be. And I think probably the worst thing that they do is they just leave you feeling disempowered, like everything is out of your hands. Like everything has been leading up to this point. And at this point is where you will now stay, and you have no say in the matter. And that's an awful place to be. You're probably feeling this now, if you are at this crossroads where you're doing the job that you're doing, you can do it well, but you just don't feel it. You're getting up each day, dreading what you have to go into. It could be the work itself, it could be your boss, it could be the people around you, it could be the environment that you're in. It could not even be work. It could be relationships, it could be to do with your well being it could be anything but you're in this situation where you know, you don't want to be there. But you're not actively taking steps to get out because you're telling yourself these fictional stories that you can't, that it's just not possible. And the thing about these negative stories is that even though they are fiction, we believe them. And we believe them because we have this bias as humans we have this bias towards believing the negative over the positive is something called the negative At bias, where if there's too, if all things are equal, we're likely to believe the thing that's the most negative. And I could do a whole episode on the concept of negativity bias and maybe a well, it's something I do want to dive deeper into, to sort of get more into the science around this because it is something that we all instinctively do. Like when it comes to doing something new. And instantly, we default to the worst thing that could happen rather than thinking of worrying about the best thing that could happen. This all plays into that negativity bias. So you're telling yourself stories, stories that disempower you stories that stifle you that stunt your growth, but there are stories that are not steeped in evidence, there is no evidence to back them, they're just things. It's like me saying that I can fly. There's no evidence to support that I can fly. When I jump out the window, fall flat on my face and break my legs. I know that I can't. But this is what I'm saying you're, I would have tried in that aspect to at least prove that I could do the thing. And once I've jumped out the window fallen and broken some bones, I will have evidence to support the fact that I can't fly. But until that point, there isn't. Now I'm not saying that you should go and try to fly, please don't do that. Okay, I will not be responsible for anybody who's broken bones and medical bills. And I'm not saying you should go and do anything, which scientifically is scientifically proven that humans just can't do and will be harmful if you try. So little disclaimer there. But I know I know. I'm amongst friends. So hopefully that disclaimer will not be necessary. Okay, so I told you about the negative stories I've told you about the fact that they're fiction have told you about all the reasons why they are harmful, why they do not help you. So how do you change that? How do you stop telling yourself these stories? How do you reframe these thoughts? How do you stop focusing on selling yourself things like I can't, instead of focusing on telling yourself that I can, I will. So there's an exercise, you know, I like my exercises. And I like the exercises because one I know their work and to their actionable, I'd like you to be able to walk away from certain episodes, not every episodes, because some are just for jokes, or some are just for entertainment. But I'd like you to walk away with something which you can start to work on now. Because this is what's going to help you to move forward. So and I want to share I mean, I'm here to help and I want to share what's worked for me and what's worked for people that I've worked with. So it's an exercise I use myself, and it's an exercise called. And you can tell that I used to be a lawyer, where's the evidence? As lawyers, evidence is key, you know, we need the evidence to support the things that we're saying to support the arguments that we are making. So we are very logical in our thought process and in finding the facts that back up the things that we're saying the things that we're arguing, the the language we're trying to put into a deal, the negotiating tactics we're trying to use. So that's why this is called where's the evidence. And we talk a little bit about this in the book, The Triple C Method. But essentially, it works like this. When your brain starts to tell you, you can't do something when you start to berate yourself these negative stories of what's not possible for you. Ask yourself the question at that point. Where's the evidence? Where's the evidence to support that story? Okay, so I don't say you want to quit your job, and go and do something else, whatever it may be. Think about something that really likes your work, which you would love to do as an alternative career. When you are sad, and you're thinking, one day, I would really like to do X, whatever it is. And your brain is telling you you can't do that people like you don't go ahead and do that. I want you to ask yourself the question, Where is the evidence? So where's the evidence to support the fact that you can't do that? And the evidence isn't something like I don't have a degree in it. I don't have a certain certification and I can barely speak I don't have the money to do this. Like they are not evidence they're or circumstances they will things which you can overcome, which you can do if you determine that this is the path you want to go down. But I want you to think of really what is the evidence? So to go back to my flying example, the evidence support the fact that I as each human cannot fly, if there's just scientific evidence that that's not possible, we are just not built to fly. Now, that would be hard, concrete evidence. So that's what I want you to bear in mind when you're asking yourself this question. When your thoughts are telling you that the goal, oh, that the dream isn't possible. It's not possible for you. So when you see, you know, when you see a friend, and they've gone on to something that's really amazing. And you think I would love to do that, but I'm just not capable. It's just not possible for me. I want you to ask yourself the question, why not me? So it's similar. It can work in conjunction with where's the evidence or they can be separate questions, but why not? You? Like what's to stop you doing it? And you again, you may list a lot of reasons why you, it's not possible for you. But then that will then take you back to the question, well, where's the evidence to support those reasons? You see what I mean? It's kind of like a loop. So somebody's doing something, you see it, you think it's great, it's amazing, but you think it's not for you? Ask yourself, why not me? If you have any reasons now for why not you? Then I'm going to take those reasons as I go back and run them through the filter of the question. Where's the evidence and really distil down the evidence? And I'm betting that 99% of the time, on that list of answers to the question, where's the evidence, there will be no real evidence. If there is share it with me, I'd love to see it. And I'd love to challenge you as to whether that is real evidence. Okay. And one final part of this, which is also helpful, is when you've gone through those two questions is to think about where you are now. Think about the obstacles that you had to overcome, to get to where you want now. So for example, for me, I don't know where you start. I mean, I grew up in a council estate in the UK, I did my degree part time, while I was working full time, I, you know, I didn't lots of things, I had no money, I was broke. I mean, I didn't have anyone in my family, who was a lawyer, I didn't have any connections, whatever it is, but all of these things, but they were obstacles which I overcame to get to where I got to get to work in a big law law firm and to be there for 11 years and have from the outside looking in a successful career. So what is that for you? What obstacles have you had to overcome to get to where you are now in your life in your career? Because I bet that when you look at those obstacles, and you look at what you've overcome, you'll realise there's actually more evidence to support the fact that you can do the thing in front of you create the vision you want to create, then there is evidence to support the fact that you can't say that, again. When you look back of the obstacles you've had to overcome, to get from where you were, to where you are now, in this moment, I can bet you that there will be more evidence in your history of you ever coming hard things to support the fact that you can do the thing that you want to do. The more evidence of that, then there will be evidence of the fact that you can't. And this is what we sometimes forget, we can sometimes forget about what we've done and what we've achieved. I'm definitely guilty of that. I mean, I finished writing my book, and we had a sort of day of being really excited then was like, Okay, on to the next thing, what's next. And I had to actually remind myself to rein it in, to come back and to kind of like really enjoy the process. So taking time to look back at what we've done before can be really helpful in helping us to move forward. And it can actually give us more evidence to support the fact that we can do the things that we need to do that we can overcome the obstacles that are in front of us that they may be big, but they are not insurmountable because we've overcome bigger or similar in our past. So where's the evidence? Keep that question in your mind. Why not me? Also, think about that. The next time you see somebody doing something you want to do, and you're telling yourself that you can't. And what have you overcome to get from where you were to where you are now. And whatever that says they're there to support the fact that you can do hard things that you can take to carry you into doing hard things going into your future to create the vision of the life that you want to live. That's it. That's it for me this week. Talking about where's the evidence talking about telling yourself the negative stories talking about reframing your thoughts in your in your mind These are things which I help clients to do. I help myself through I've helped other people to do. So if you would like to explore how I can help you what how coaching can help you just give you that space to explore, and have somebody in the room to just challenge some of the assumptions that you make with no evidence to back them up, so that you can help they can help you start to see things, see what's possible for you. Why don't we have a call? Go ahead and head to iamryanspence.com/coaching. And you can just read through the page there tells you all about what coaching with me is like what I do, how it helps you, more importantly, and how you can get in touch with me and book a call and we can speak about whether it'd be iamryanspence.com/coaching. As always, I thank you for listening, I never take you for granted, I'm always trying to think of really great topics, information, things that I can share with you to help you get from where you are to where it is you want to be. So send me an email hey@iamryanspence.com, or hit me up on Instagram, or LinkedIn with any particular issues that you're struggling with that you would like to hear about you would like me to talk about, that you think would kind of help you on the journey that you are on. So you want personal support for me, you want to explore how we can work together you go to iamryanspence.com/coaching. And if you want to share any ideas, or you've got any things which you think I really wish you'd cover that topic, or how did you deal with that and big law, then send me a message, Instagram, LinkedIn, or via email to hay at I am Ryan spence.com. That's it for this week. I will catch you. Next week, of course. And until then stop living a life of lethargy and start living life. Thanks for tuning in to The Triple C Project. Before you go, I want to share something with you. When I was in BigLaw, I struggled with limiting beliefs. I didn't have the confidence to believe that I could change my life, that I could leave BigLaw and do something different that I could move from a life of lethargy and create a life that's lit. That's why I created the confidence journal. For people like you who are in the same position that I was, who's struggling with that confidence and need a boost to allow you to believe you can do the things that you do confidence journalists, six journal prompts that I've used, and I still use to help me get from a guy who's too scared to post on Instagram, to the guy who is now committed to giving a TED talk to the guy who wrote a book to the guy who launched the podcast. You can do any of this to all you need to do is start boosting your confidence. So to do that, head to iamryanspence.com and download the confidence journal. It's free. It works and it's going to change your life. Thanks for tuning in. See you next week. And remember, stop living a life of lethargy and start living life lit!