The Triple C Project

You Can't Please Everybody; So Stop Trying And Do You

• Ryan Spence • Season 2 • Episode 110

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Ever felt like you're living someone else's life, bound by expectations that aren't your own? In this week's episode, I explore the common struggle of high achievers' desire to please others and why connecting with and pleasing yourself is better for you and your community. 

Together, we'll uncover why clarity in your core values is crucial for staying your course, even when faced with pushback.

Staying true to yourself is about more than personal happiness; it’s about inspiring those around you to embrace their authenticity, too. 

This episode highlights the exhaustion and unhappiness that come from conforming to others' expectations and emphasizes the joy and fulfilment that come from aligning with your own desires and values. 

Listen in to discover how living authentically creates a ripple effect that positively influences your community.

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Speaker 1:

you're going to get some pushback because not everyone's going to like what it is that you're doing. Everyone's going to like the changes that you make. There's no one's going to like the new you that is embracing this growth and this new path that you have for yourself. You're listening to the Triple C Project. Welcome to the Triple C Project, the podcast that helps you gain clarity, boost confidence, build courage so you can live life lit. I'm your host, ryan Spence, the Big Law Dropout, life coach, author, speaker, lover of hoodies, hip-hop and big, hairy, audacious goals. If you're tired of living the life you think you should want and ready to start living the life you do want, this podcast will help you get from where you are to where you really want to be. So now we're friends. I invite you to grab a drink, take a seat and allow me to guide you towards living a life that's lit was living a life that's lit. Welcome to episode 110 of the Triple C Project. Have you booked your spot yet? On the 5th of August 2024, I'll be hosting my webinar the High Performance Way Six Secrets of the World's Most Successful People. And, frankly, you're going to want to be in this webinar If you want to get ahead in life and live life on your terms, your way. Live life lit. You're going to want to know and then start to implement these six secrets, these practices that have helped me and have been instrumental in my transition from unfulfilled big law lawyer living in survival mode to purpose-driven big law dropout living and engaged, fulfilling life in survival mode. 60 minutes of your time to change the way you see yourself and change the way you live your life Not a bad investment, I think. The webinar is free. It will be held on the 5th of August 2024 at 7pm UK time on Zoom. So head to subscribepageio slash six secrets or head to the link in the show description and book your spot. Can't wait to see you there. It's going to be lit. Okay, let's get to the show.

Speaker 1:

So this week I've been keeping my head down in book editing. I got the edit back from my editor and started to read through and I've made a hell of a lot of changes to that, so that's kind of been taking up my time. I've also enrolled a couple of beta readers well, more than a couple actually, a couple actually and I'm really grateful for them taking the time to read and give me their feedback and insight before the book goes off to its next stage of being designed and formatted, ready for release later this year. I'll be sharing a little bit more in the coming weeks about how you can be the first to know about the release of the book, getting hold of the first chapter to kind of get yourself prepared to know what to expect, and other events, bonuses, things that I might come up with in the lead up to the launch of my book, the Triple C Project. Find your place, purpose and peace in a world that wants to box you in. So look out for that Cool.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm going to talk this week about doing things for you, because you can't please everybody. As much as you might want to, as much as you might think that that's the way that you should go about your life, you can't please everybody, and I know for a lot of us, a lot of us high achievers we are people pleasers. We want to do things that make other people happy. We got to where we are because we did the things that were expected of us right. We went to the schools, we got the grades, we went to the universities, we got the job, we got on that train that's going to lead us to destination. Success with all that that entails, all of those trappings. So we did that, whether consciously or unconsciously, to please the people that put their faith in us our parents, our teachers, our mentors. We went for the promotion to please our bosses because of what they said, they saw in us and where they wanted us to go.

Speaker 1:

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to make people happy, with wanting to please people. But when it comes to the detriment of your own happiness or of you being true to yourself, of living in alignment with your values, that's where the problem lies. And the thing is, when you start to become clear on what those values are and become committed to living in alignment with them, you're going to get some pushback because not everyone's going to like what it is that you're doing. Everyone's going to like the changes that you make. There's not one's going to like the new you that is embracing this growth and this new path that you have for yourself. And, as painful as it might be sometimes, you kind of got to be okay with that. And in order to be okay with that, you need to be very clear as to why you're making those changes, as to what those core values are. You've got to have that clarity, as I've said many times before, to allow you to keep on track, even when people try to pull you off, even when people are questioning well why are you doing that? That makes no sense, even when people just don't like what you're doing, whether they tell you or not. And that's something that I've had to learn. And the thing is that the more that I get that pushback, or the more that I don't see that support, the more entrenched I get, the more committed I get to that why? Because I'm forced to. I'm forced to in order to be able to keep moving forward.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to share a quick story about something that happened to me last week in my yoga class. So, as you probably know, I teach yoga every week. I love teaching yoga. I love the space that I teach at. I've got a really good group of regular students now as well that usually fill my class, but this week I had someone I'd never seen in class before and that's cool. I often have the odd one or two new people in there and it's great. It's good to sort of see new people and figure out why they're there and kind of what they want to get out of it.

Speaker 1:

Now, normally I make a point to greet new students as they arrive. I mean find out their name, kind of if they've done yoga before, that sort of thing. But this particular student arrived just as class was about to start, so I didn't really have the time to do my usual thing. But it's like cool, that's fine. So I started class and I noticed in the first few minutes that they just didn't seem comfortable. They just didn't seem to be getting the vibe and I mean that's not unusual. I mean, often people will do their own thing in class. I tell my students look, it's your practice and I'm only here to guide you. Your body will tell you what it needs, your mind will tell you where you need to go. So it's not unusual to see people maybe not doing exactly the thing that I've cued or maybe just taking a little bit more time, especially in the warm up phase, to kind of feel into their body. So I just noticed it. I was like that's cool. I noticed this continuing and so I kind of just looked over and acknowledged them as I was leading the class through and just check. You know what I mean mouth to them are you okay? And they nodded and said yes, and so I continued with the class and then, 10 minutes in, they got up and they walked out of the room and never came back. And that's never happened before in one of my classes, but I've no doubt it will happen again.

Speaker 1:

I've heard lots of stories from many teachers where people would get up and walk out. I've been in classes myself as a student and people have got up and walked out. It happens that's just sometimes the case Now, as if I was still a brand new teacher and still kind of new to teaching teacher and still kind of new to teaching. Without doubt that would have thrown me, you know, because I would have wanted to please everybody. So I would have freaked out and told myself stories about the reason this person was leaving, that they were leaving because of me, because they hated my class, they hated the way that I taught, that I'm a bad teacher and I should just quit this yoga thing. This isn't for me, I'm useless, and I would have been telling myself. These stories are spinning out in my head, even though I actually have no idea whether any of that is true.

Speaker 1:

I don't know why they left. They never told me they just left, and there could be many reasons told me they just left, and there could be many reasons. Maybe they weren't feeling well, maybe it wasn't the class for them. You know, my classes are quite. People say quite tough, quite hardcore. It's very much strength-based, it's flow and strength, and maybe that's not the vibe that they were looking for. Maybe they couldn't take it at that point. Maybe they are on their way back from injury and they thought, with the best will in the world, that they could get on the mat and practice, but when it got down to it, it just didn't feel good in their body. Who knows? No one knows why they left, except the student that left. And so, rather than freak out and let it throw me, as I maybe would have done back in 2020, 2021, when I was still very new at teaching, as they made their way out of the room, I registered their departure and I took a couple of seconds to think hmm, get curious about why. I wonder why they're going.

Speaker 1:

But then, very quickly, I got back to teaching the other 10 students in the room that did want to practice, that did want to be on the mat and that wanted to flow through the sequence that I had prepared that week and my inner critic is wanting to tell me stories and create a narrative about this student. But I'm not letting it because I'm just very much rooted as to why I'm there and why I'm teaching and there's no evidence to support the stories that this inner critic wants to share with me. So I refuse to listen and I push those stories away. And how this ties into what I'm saying about being firmly rooted as to what you're doing and remembering you can't please everybody is.

Speaker 1:

I had 10 people in the class who are there almost every week, who were committed to continuing their practice, and I had one person that left, for whatever reason, and if I'd spent all of my energy focusing on that one person that's left, that left, I would have been doing a disservice to the 10 people that stayed. And if I knew, for example, why that person left and it was something to do with the way that I teach and they wanted something that didn't feel right to me, that wasn't aligned to me, but I decided to adapt the way that I teach to meet what that person wanted I wouldn't be being true to the regular students that turn up every week to practice with me, and I wouldn't have be. I wouldn't be being true to myself. And if I'm not being true to myself, then the way that I'm teaching and what I'm sharing is not going to land in the way that I want it to land, it's not going to have the impact that I want it to have and it's going to add an additional layer of weight, it's going to expend additional energy because I'm trying to be something that I'm not. I'm trying to do what I always encourage people not to do, which is contort myself to fit into a box of what somebody else wants from me or what somebody else thinks that I should be. And this is probably something that you struggle with, because it's something that I see high performers struggle with, often struggling with the need to continue to pursue the path that they're on, continuing to sit on that train, even though they know that that train is heading to a place where, actually, they don't want to go anymore. Maybe they wanted to go, maybe they thought they wanted to go at one point, but now they're there, they're like I don't want to go anymore. Maybe they wanted to go, maybe they thought they wanted to go at one point, but now they're there and I don't want to go any further.

Speaker 1:

But you feel that you have to be true to the image that other people have of you. You have to stay true to the path that other people believe that you should be following. But you can't do that and also be true to yourself. And if you're not true to yourself, life is just infinitely harder and it's just infinitely less joyful, because you're always playing a role. You're never fully yourself and, as I said at the top of the show, this doesn't mean that it's easy to stay true to yourself. It doesn't mean that it's easy to stay aligned with your values when everything else around you is pushing you to do something different.

Speaker 1:

It's trying to tell you that you don't want to do that. You don't want to apply for that job, you don't want to start your own business, you don't want to learn that skill, because that's not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to keep pushing forward. You're supposed to go for that next promotion, for that next pay rise. You're supposed to take on that next project. This is what is expected of you. You're a high performer, you're successful. Why would you want to throw it all away? But, as you know, like I do, that's exhausting and it only leads to lethargy, it leads to unhappiness, it leads to under-fulfillment. So you have to really drill down and get clear on what it is that you want. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be and why do you want to do and be that? And when you find the answers to those questions, you need to make the decisions that allow you to stay in alignment.

Speaker 1:

You can't change everything that you do to fit the one or two people that disagree with the way that your life is going, with the path that you've chosen. You have to be well within yourself. You have to be aligned with what you want, with your values, so that you are best placed to then help and support the people around you, so that you then make and cause that ripple effect that gets others looking at you and thinking. That gets others looking at you and thinking. They seem so comfortable within their own skin, they seem so at peace, they seem so relaxed. How did they get there? How do I get some of that? Because the more that we have a world of people that are comfortable in their own skin, that understand themselves deeply, that stay true to their values and live every day in alignment with them, the better the world will be, not just your life, but the life of everybody else around you. So that's what I'd like to leave you with this week.

Speaker 1:

You can't please everybody, so stop trying to stop trying to be all things to everybody else and instead take a step back and think who am I, do I want, why do I want it, and how can I make decisions each day that keep me aligned with that, that keep me true to myself, because there are going to be people around you that look up to you whether it's children, whether it's junior members of your team, whether it's people in the community and they're going to look to you for influence and they're going to follow your lead. And if they see you being true to yourself, they see you pushing back on things that don't serve you, If they see you implementing and maintaining strong boundaries, it's going to inspire and encourage them and almost give them permission to do the same, which is then going to positively impact their lives as well. And, as I have to say, there's a lot in this world that pushes us towards individualism, to just looking out for and thinking about ourselves, and that's not where I come at this personal development work from. I come at it as, yes, you need to look inward and work on yourselves and understand yourself, but in order to then benefit the wider community, the people around you. Because we're here, we will influence people, whether we like it or not. So why not work on ourselves, get that understanding within ourselves, live life on our terms so that we can influence the people around us to do the same in a way that's positive and serves them. That's what's going to make the world better.

Speaker 1:

Okay, that's me for this week. I could just go on and riff on this for an hour or so, but it's time to land this plane and bring this episode to an end. A reminder to book your spot on the webinar 5th of August the High Performance Way Six Secrets of the World's Most Successful People Subscribeio slash six secrets. Head to the show description. Just click on the link there or drop me a message over on Instagram I am underscore Ryan Spence or over on LinkedIn and I will shoot you the link. And please leave a review. Share this episode and leave a review. Leave a review.

Speaker 1:

Let people know why you listen to this show, why they should listen to this show. What's the benefit that you get? What do you learn? How does it make you feel? Because if you can share that again, you're creating that influence around you, that ripple effect, and you're also helping more people find the show and allowing me to understand what it is that brings you you here week after week, what it is that gets you to listen. So I encourage you, listen and leave a review rate and leave a review. Uh, there's a link in the show description and I I would love to just read and just just get a sense as to what it is that you get from this, what it is that I can do more of to help you go from a life of lethargy towards living a life that's lit. Thanks for being here, have a great week ahead, appreciate the support as always and until next week, stop living a life of lethargy, start living life lit.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for tuning in to the Triple C Project. In the spirit of the Triple C, here's three things that you can do to support the show Head to ratethispodcastcom, slash triplec or over to your favorite podcast app and leave a review. Reviews really help people checking out shows to see what they can expect and how the show can help them. Second thing you can do share. Share this episode, share a previous episode with a friend, someone who you feel could benefit from what I'm throwing down on this here show. And number three head to IamRyanSpencecom. Get on the mailing list. I'll be sharing news about the show, news about what I'm up to, my new book start writing soon, so to be the first to be in the know, you need to get yourself on the list. Really appreciate you being here and until next week, stop living a life of lethargy, start living life lit.